Bubbles of Panic

Trying to fall asleep last night, I am wide-eyed, thinking OH MY GOD! What am I doing? Am I insane? How can I possibly afford this? Can I really pay the tuition costs that aren't covered by the TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS of federal loans I'm taking, or will I need to borrow more money? Is that a good idea? What if I can't handle the work load? What if it's too much with work? Should I think about quitting my job so that I can focus on school? OH MY GOD! I just bought a condo! I can't afford to quit my job. If I needed to, how fast could I even sell my condo? What if I made a big mistake?

And then I think:

It's not too late. I haven't made any irreversible commitments. If I don't register for classes tomorrow, I could just forget this whole crazy grad school idea and just be a technical writer for the rest of my life.

But when I really think about that option, really think about what it means, I find myself calming down. I am, I am making the right decisions. I think...?

I've been feeling these little exploding bubbles of panic periodically all week. Part of it comes from all the intelligent, experienced students that surround me. Their eyes widen slightly when I say I'll be working 40 hours a week and taking 15 credits. Part of it comes from all the talk about the expense of the school--because it's really expensive. "Maximize the credits you take every quarter," they tell us again and again. "The faster you get through it, the more money you save."

(I'm not maximizing my credits. It's more financially sound for me to continue my work as a technical writer as long as I'm in school.)

"Experience really counts. Take advantage of the school and plan early for internships."

(Will I have time to take advantage of the school, with as much as I'm working? Am I being foolish?)

"There's a happy hour nearly every night. KSIS is really social."

(Well, I won't be going to those. Oh no, is that a mistake? Am I going to miss out on too many networking opportunities?)

And then: OH MY GOD! What am I doing? Am I insane? It's not too late to change my mind... Should I rethink this?

Well, I have now passed the threshold: I just registered for classes! I have a DU ID card with my picture on it, a sticker that says I can ride public transit for free, a parking pass, $300 worth of textbooks, and an account balance of $10,755.

I was really lucky, because I got all the classes I wanted. Some miracle won me an early registration time today, which let me sneak into all my first choice classes. (I had panic bubbles about that, too.) I had hoped to arrange all my classes on one day, but I couldn't work that out for this term. Hopefully next term. I'm also lucky in that I have such flexible hours at work. (Unfortunately, one of my classes conflicts with a regularly scheduled meeting. Not sure how that's going to work out.)

Anyway, I am taking Statistics I, Group and Organizational Dynamics, and The International System. Cool!