Academic Writing

A lot of people ask me if I like my classes. My response is usually a sort of sad pause and then, "Uh...sorta. I'm still deciding." Which of course is an evasion, since we're three weeks into the 10-week quarter. Surly I've made up my mind by now?

My first class is Statistics, which has been easy so far. I'm waiting for the shoe to drop, actually. It can't continue to be so easy, can it? The focus of the class is more on the application of statistics, using charts and graphs. We go over the math, but the really it's about learning how to the use a statistics analysis software called SAS. The math part is more about understanding the data than about crunching numbers and memorizing formulas. (Thank goodness!) I like this class because I think it very useful. (Also, the professor is quite good at explaining the math.)

My second class is Group and Organizational Dynamics. The intent of this class is to teach us about the ways that groups interact in the workplace, and talk about these interactions in terms of (management) tools. I have mixed feelings about this class. On one hand I appreciate the intent; but I'm not sure the execution lives up to my expectations of this program. That's all I'll say here, though--you can ask me privately if you want details!

Of the three classes I'm taking, my favorite and also the most irritating class is "The International System." It's irritating in large part because of the IMMENSE amount of reading associated with the course. I told a couple of people that it was about 500 pages a week, but I just added up this week's readings and it only comes out to about 425 pages of dense academic reading, not 500. All of the reading is highly technical, full of citations and references to other academics' writings. It assumes a lot of prior knowledge about the subject, and is made more difficult in that we're assigned sections from larger texts--say chapters 3 and 4 of a book--and so even have full knowledge of the specific text that we're reading. I always feel a little frustrated when I read something like, "As you remember from Chapter 1...."

To make it all more difficult, each author seems to come up with his own
slight variation on terms to describe his particular flavor of the concept. So there are a dozen different words to talk about the same general theories. From one 50 page paper (and let me say these are not all about the same things): constructivist, conventional realist, structural realist, structural materialist, statist, regime theorist, hegemonic regime theorist, neoliberal, idealist....

And so on. And all of the texts assume I already understand all these terms, and have read most of other writers on subject. For a novice, they're completely unapproachable, and are clear demonstrations of why I dislike academic writing.

I need a dictionary of international relations theoretical terminology. Better yet, I need an "International Relations for Dummies" book. Only there isn't one; this class makes me want to write it.

Because the subject is interesting. The theory is interesting. When I can make my way through the jargon and get to the meat, I am fascinated more often than not. If only I had the time to spend on this! Because that's the difficulty of this class--it's so much more work than my other classes (combined) that I'm perpetually behind. (And then, in class today, the professor says that we should "read that article again." Again? I haven't even gotten through everything once, and now you want me to read that incredible dense 70-page article--which took me 4 hours to read last night--again??)

At least it's interesting, though. Right?

Theme Songs

There's a new song out by James, a British band that hasn't released a new album in quite a while. I downloaded this song last week, and the chorus is permanently stuck in my head. It's there when I wake up, there when I'm lying in bed, trying to let go of my thoughts enough to fall asleep. It's there at random moments during the day:

"Hey Ma, the boy's in body bags, coming home in pieces..."

This week has been really hard.

Strangely, it's all about work. I know I would be feeling the same even if school hadn't started this week. But I've been so incredibly stressed out that I can't sleep, barely eat, and constantly feel sick to my stomach. I'm sure I'm giving myself more gray hairs. Yesterday I had to admit to myself that I might miss my deadline on Monday, which is a terribly hard thing for me to do. I have never missed a deadline before. Or at least, never missed a deadline that would have the impact that missing this one would have. (Note my use of the conditional. I am not resigned. I will work my ass off this weekend in the hopes that I can still make it.)

Part of the problem is that, while I blame myself and think of things I might have done differently a month ago (mainly changing the order in which I've worked on things so that I might have come up against this wall I'm currently facing earlier, thus giving myself more time to scale it), I am also, still, facing this wall. It's like, even if the weekend were a week long, I still wouldn't make my deadline because I just can't get over the wall. And because the project is still so in flux, the people on the side of the wall keep adding more rows of bricks.

I talked to my boss about all of this yesterday afternoon, and he very kindly (and very sympathetically) told me to get over it, stop thinking about should haves, and just do the best I can with what time I have left. After hanging up with him, I called a couple of people I work with for help, and they spent nearly two hours on the phone with me--late on a Friday afternoon--getting the things working that I needed in order to get on with things. They were incredibly generous, and I owe them each a big cake with candles on it. In essence, they gave me a ladder, and now I just need to climb it fast enough to reach the top before Monday. Last night I actually fell asleep pretty easily.

In class Friday morning, before receiving the ladder, I realized that I wasn't thinking about work at all. Class was like a much-needed vacation from stress. Sure, I have lots of reading I'm supposed to do before Tuesday, but I'll worry about that Monday night.

On my playlist on my iPod, I have the body bag song followed immediately by Dobie Gray's great "Drift Away".

"Oh, give me the beat boys and free my soul..."

(God, I hope next week is better than this one.)

Buckling Down

"Alas, after a certain age every man is responsible for his face." -Albert Camus

This is going to be a very character building month, full of deadlines and new tasks and unknown experiences. I'm taking statistics. Statistics. I'm still not sure if I think that was a good idea for this first quarter, given my recent history with the quantitative section of the GREs. I signed up for it mainly because it fit neatly into my schedule (and I'll need to take it eventually).

Plus: Less reading, get it out of the way early. Might have a relatively small homework impact.

Minus: It's statistics. Lots of math stuff that I don't remember at all, and will have to relearn.

Plus: I did pretty well when I took economics last year.

Minus: I did not do very well at all when I took the GRE last year.

The first class is tomorrow morning. I've already read the introductory chapter, and I'll be a step ahead because I managed to get the necessary statistics software installed this weekend, when a lot of people missed their appointments (and thus will be stuck installing software during class instead of listening to the lecture).

I wonder... by the end of the month will I have a few more grey hairs? More wrinkles on my forehead and around my eyes? Well, on the upside at least I chose this path! I am the master of my fate! (Or should I say, "master of my face"?)